If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
