What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
