so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
