Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
