i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
