I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The best revenge is premature balding
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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