I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
