I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
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