you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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