my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
