i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize