there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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