Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
