I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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