omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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