Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My life is pants optional.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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