I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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