My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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