the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
