you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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