I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize