She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
