yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
