Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
