Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
