We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
