proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
