i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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