I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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