There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
