I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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