"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Text me some of your sweat
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
