I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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