I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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