she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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