Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
