I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
