I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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