Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
