there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
My vagina just recognized that song.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
