i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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