you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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