No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
