so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
