Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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