nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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