i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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