does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
