Four minutes until I can fart!
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
