there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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