Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
he high fived his dick after we had sex
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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