I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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