Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My balls are so social today.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
