you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
