I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
