I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
