so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
