Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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