What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
